Overwhelmed and Excited...!

Merry Christmas! May you be filled with JOY and PEACE at the coming of Christ!

Celebrating Christmas today, I was overwhelmed with an incredible optimism. An optimism that all the growing and preparation I've been doing is going to pay off in the new year. I've never been more excited.

God has changed so much in my life, and I greatly anticipate the further changes to come! I look forward to sharing with you the ups and downs of 2010!

The call to sainthood...

Perhaps it was because I had just spent almost two hours browsing the wonderful bookstore that had books about saints aplenty, but while kneeling before my Lord at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament, my mind was preoccupied with the idea of sainthood.

We are all called to be saints. Sainthood isn't just for the devout monks and nuns who serve in monasteries and convents, but for all God's children. Contemplation this past weekend before the Eucharist, compounded with an impromptu reading a few days later of Saints Behaving Badly, while waiting in a Barnes and Noble to pick up a friend from the airport, has truly gotten me thinking about what Sainthood means, and looks like.

Being a saint isn't about "never sinning". Being a saint is about the total consecration of your life to the service of God's will. This can happen early in life, or late in life. Regardless, we all are called to do so with zeal, passion, and trust. Being a saint is about living "heroically", by that, I mean being filled with "heroic virtue."

From the saints, we can learn to never believe the lie that we are irreconcilable to God because of our sins. God's forgiveness and mercy should not be underestimated. No sin is too great. Nothing you can do as a human can change God's unconditional and passionate love for you. So many Saints did things that were unimaginably terrible, but God blessed them with repentance, and their lives were transformed because of it. (For examples, I suggest reading Saints Behaving Badly.)

Another important thing to realize is that sainthood isn't something that we can achieve through our own virtue, but by the virtues that are given to us by God. I certainly do not possess the capability or capacity to be a saint on my own. Through prayer and supplication to God, one asks God to mold them, and teach them to be saints.

I think it is easy to think that being a saint is unattainable because one could never justify looking at their own life at any given point and saying "Wow, I'm so great, I must be a saint or something!" I know I certainly don't. But I think it's a process, with an end that is not in this world. And I would certainly think it sad not to strive something just because its result cannot be seen.

I'm not saying sainthood is easy, but that we are all called to it. We should should strive to be saints daily, free from the inhibition of doubt.

My God and My All, make me a saint. -St. Alphonsus

Down in Adoration Falling...

This past weekend, while returning from a visit to Nashville to see Derek Webb in concert, I was blessed with the opportunity to visit Jesus at the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament in Hanceville, Alabama.

There are a lot of things to say about the shrine. To me, one of the most remarkable things is its location. It is, literally, in the middle of nowhere. As one who has been to the Basilica of Our Lady of Fatima in Portugal, I must admit I was shocked that such a beautiful and fruitful place for Catholic worship was available a mere 3 hour drive from my home, as opposed to a far-off (and expensive-to-visit) European location.

I personally (though I may be biased) don't think the Shrine is comparable to the beauty, size, and age of Fatima, but considering it is "middle-of-nowhere" Alabama, I'm impressed. Being there in the sweeping courtyard, I felt for a moment that I was back in Portugal, viewing the Basilica for the first time. Cliched it may be, it sent shivers up my spine.

Clearly, there are a number of differences, but the air felt much the same. Words fail me to properly convey the exact feeling. Perhaps my journal entry from July 12, 2005 can help to provide a more accurate description, though I apparently faced the same failure of words. While standing in one of the archways adjacent to the Basilica, I wrote this:

"It is hard to describe the strange calm that overcomes me as I lean against the pillars of the outdoor walkway at the Basilica of Our Lady of Fatima, listening to the gregorian chants coming from hidden speakers.

The light breeze blows my skirt and hair as I look out at Amanda and CeeCee crawl on their knees, side by side, to the chapel of Apparitions. Many others are following this same path; some using every ounce of willpower they have to keep going, even to the point of bruises and knees so bloody that they leave shining amber puddles everytime they move forward.

The sun is at my eye level, making it difficult to continue looking out at the many pilgrims that have come to celebrate the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima tomorrow. My hands folded, kneeling on the base of the railing, I pray for all those dear to me."

The disjointed writing clearly struggles to describe something so great that the senses are too feeble, and thus fail... and that brings me to my next subject.

Inside the main church of the Shrine, Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar is exposed in an absolutely monstrous monstrance (if one can forgive the play on words!) He is surrounded in splendor that is fit for a king-- and rightly so-- He is the King of all!

But while gazing at Jesus in this grand receptacle, I realized that despite the surrounding grandeur, the Jesus I knelt in the presence of is no less the same Jesus that I adore weekly at Spirit and Truth. What power there is to be seen in that! Jesus is there; in every tabernacle, in every monstrance. He is the same; constant, divine, and loving. I am overwhelmed by His vast greatness and humility.

Christ, in all his Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity, chooses to present Himself to us in the form of a small wafer of Bread. What a great and precious gift. He is so mighty, yet humbles himself so that we might share in Communion and have Eternal Life!

Tantum ergo Sacramentum

veneremur cernui:

et antiquum documentum

novo cedat ritui:

praestet fides supplementum

sensuum defectui.

Genitori, Genitoque

laus et iubilatio,

salus, honor, virtus quoque

sit et benedictio:

procedenti ab utroque

compar sit laudatio.

Amen.

Silence...

Over the past week, somewhere in the midst of writing essays, studying for finals, barely sleeping, and getting sick, I lost my voice.

While this sometimes prevented me from having conversations (and sometimes didn't deter me at all), what stood out most to me were the two times I was in Mass.

Apparently, I have completely taken for granted the joy and community that is found in singing, both the mass parts and the hymns, with the congregation. Every time the choir began, my mouth would open. I would immediately shut it, remembering my voice and its currently uncontrollable pitches. Without singing, this Mass felt strangely empty to me, as if I wasn't fully there. I've never realized what a great part singing plays in the spirit of the entire Mass.

On the other hand, there is something to be discovered in silence. I was able to concentrate a lot on the actual text of the mass, and focus on what was actually being said and was taking place. I think being "quiet" for a while helped me to listen more to God.

That said, it was certainly an interesting experience. My voice is now on the mend, Thank the Lord! Hopefully, despite having a voice once more, I can still find the silence to hear the Lord.

P.S. Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe! Say a Rosary today, or just spend some time in prayer with our Blessed Mother!

God Will Provide...

I have been dreading this week literally the whole semester. It is the week before finals, and, coincidentally, the week in which two of my professors graciously assigned due dates for our final papers, as opposed to next week. Needless to say, I've got at least 4 papers due (and that's not counting the few that I can rewrite if I get the time. Right.)

However, this day (a Monday, of all days!) has been so full of God's presence that I can't help but be at peace. I'll share three of these "sightings" with you.

1. Toilet paper. This may seem strange. But believe you me, I have legitimately seen God in it. See, I ran out a few weeks ago (other than a sneaky roll hiding in my closet, but that's a different story...) and I failed to follow the proper procedure in order to procure more paper. (i.e., tell my mother). My suitemates also faced this same dilemma, and so we were left paperless. I don't need to go in to detail, but let's just say we had to resort to some unconventional methods. But today, I got toilet paper. Never have I appreciated it more, and it has put me in such a good mood! Thanks, Mom!

2. Thrift. I like to get things, but even more, I like saving money when I buy them. I have been searching for curtains for my dorm window this whole semester. With the recent removal of the one wall that had any color (don't ask) my sanity demanded the immediate purchase of curtains. So I went to Target today to look. Who knew curtains could be so expensive? And what really got me was they sold them as single panels. I don't know why, but I do know that spending $50+ was not an option. I got frustrated. They were all overpriced, and frankly, not so attractive. And then I happened upon a cloth shower curtain. It was perfect! $15 for a curtain that could be cut and sewn in to two panels, with the perfect pattern! My mom sewed them for me, and I am in love with them.

Here they are, in all their glory. See my mini-tree I got from the dollar section at Target? :)

3. A paper grade: A. (That's new!) It's a long story, that I actually typed out until I decided it was too much, but simply, I got an A on a paper that I thought I did horribly on. I had offered it up to God before writing it (at 5 am on the day it was due...) and He really and truly came through for me. Not only is this good for my grade, but it has also reassured me about all the papers I have to write this week.

God will provide. I asked, and he answered. He never fails to answer; never fails to provide.

Thank You, God!

Joyful Anticipation...

Today is the first Sunday of Advent. Yes, we all know what this season means-- Christmas is coming, and with it, the decorations, presents, baking, and all-around holiday cheer. And while none of these things are necessarily bad, I think it's important to realize that we are waiting. But for what?

We are waiting for Jesus. And not only tiny baby Jesus in the manger, but glorious, powerful, and mighty Jesus in the second coming.

It's really easy to get caught up in the commercialized holiday spirit that we forget what we are celebrating. It's not Christmastime yet, but a preparation period, albeit filled with hope, joy, anticipation, and peace. It's a time to remember the last part of the memorial acclamation that we've been singing in mass-- Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.

Jesus was here, and walked this earth. We are left with the account in the four gospels. But to truly be Christians, Christ must be more to us than a historical figure. He is coming again, and you need to prepare yourself.

And that is why we have Advent. Yes, celebrate the the birth of Christ; drink your hot chocolate, trim your tree, play some Christmas music, spend time with your family. But during this Advent season, don't forget to prepare yourself in spiritual ways, through prayer and reflection.

I think it is a wonderful paradox that we are expected to peacefully and joyfully anticipate. I don't know about you, but I am an impatient person, and anticipation is anything but peaceful for me. Usually, I get really nervous when I am waiting for something. But in Advent, I must find peace in the promises of Christ. Be excited about Jesus' coming. Realize the deep and passionate love He has for you personally, and grow joyously in Him. And if you're like me, ask Him to give you the peace in waiting.

The past few years, Advent has passed by relatively unnoticed for me. I was too caught up in Nutcracker rehearsals and performances, and final exams and projects, that I never really focused on preparing myself and finding joy in the coming of Christ. I want this year to be different.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel!

Note: last Sunday, I spent the day with my mom, grandma, one of my sisters, and the Respect Life Committee at my church making Advent wreaths. This is ours, which was made by my sister, Amanda.

Full...

I am full. This is more than just a reference to the unfailingly delicious meal that I, along with family and friends, have stuffed myself with. I am full. Full of food, but more importantly, full of thanksgiving for the abundance of blessings in my life.

God gives so much. He give, and gives, and gives. And while I strive to thank him for his gifts each day, I think that today in particular merits some intensive contemplation of what those gifts are, and their quintessence in our lives.

Don't get scared. I'm not going to catalogue each thing that I am thankful for, tempted though I am. I'll spare you, 1.) because I'm rather long-winded, and 2.) I would literally be writing for the rest of the night, and I'll be honest-- I don't want to miss the pumpkin pie!

I encourage you to go beyond the formulaic food-family-friends when thanking God for your blessings today (though I don't endorse or condone going much beyond that during any pre-meal blessings-sharing with your salivating table-mates). Think about everything God has given you, and understand the implications that gift has in your life. Consider life without it, and cherish it not just in thought, but in word and deed.

Recognize your fullness, and realize that while you certainly can eat your fill of Turkey and stuffing, the blessings God can fill you with have no capacity.

So eat, drink, and be merry, but don't forget to gorge yourself on the blessings of Christ!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am so thankful for YOU!

Family...

There is nothing like a semester living out of the house to make you appreciate your family (even if it's just an eensy bit more).

Tonight, I had spaghetti for dinner, sitting at the table with four other people, and afterwards, lounged about the living room in front of a fire, snuggled with my dog, and bantered back and forth with the other people in the room.

And it felt like absolute bliss.

It feels so great to be constantly surrounded by people again, despite any outrageous behavior. That's what really makes a home... the constant talking and moving and laughing and fighting.

I love it.

Disclaimer: there was a hole in my heart because a certain sister wasn't there. :(

World Wide Worship, Round Two...

I have blogged before on the amazing opportunities and resources for spiritual growth that the internet offers, but let me reiterate-- there are so many out there, and you need to take advantage of them!

In my searching about Ignatian prayer, I came across a couple of things, and I would like to share them with you:

1.) 3-Minute Retreats: these are small multi-media daily devotions. They focus on a different topic each day, and prompt you to explore certain aspects of your inner spirituality as well as your outward actions. For anyone who has trouble getting in to the right mindset for prayer, I would recommend them as an appetizer, if you will, to your regular daily prayer. The mix of peaceful graphics, calming music, and gentle words brings restfulness to any day. I installed a button on my page to the site for your perusal.

and,

2.) Daily Inspirations: from the same site as the 3-minute retreats (LoyolaPress), these integrate the Saint of the day, the daily scripture readings, and a small meditation. I feel like I don't need to say much about the benefits of having these in your day.

All of these new findings have prompted a little redecorating of my site. I've linked you up with the 3-minute prayers, daily inspirations, as well as links directly to both the scripture readings and the day's saint. These will all be automatically updated via the ever-fabulous RSS feed!

I have these all here not just as a resource to me, but to you, the reader (whoever you are...). So check them out, and please, let me know what you think of them. I also feel I should take this time to point out the addition of the list of blogs that I read. I recommend any and all of them to you!

It amazes me how God works through anything, and everything (and anybody, and everybody!). So allow God to take over every aspect of your life; to infuse both the large, and the small. You won't regret it.

"Your Glory goes beyond all fame..."

Above. Beyond. Everlasting.

These all describe God. His Glory goes beyond all fame.

This means that God's greatness is so GREAT that it is not humanly possible for us to recognize just how awesome He is.

1 Corinthians 2:9: "But as it is written: "What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, is what God has prepared for those who love him."

So, not only can we not fathom how awesome He is, we also cannot begin to imagine what He was prepared for us!! It has not entered the human heart. I mean, that's intense, and I don't know about you, but it sure makes me excited and ready to live my life for God!

God transcends everything and anything.

Hillsong United lyrics - From The Inside Out

The good that comes from narcissism...

In a random bout of curiosity (and yes, some degree of narcissism!), I googled my blogger URL, "amdgdaily." The second web address that came up was a link to a PDF of The Ignatian Examen, or prayer of daily awareness.

It was St. Ignatius of Loyola who coined the phrase, "Ad majorem Dei gloriam," (translating to 'All for the greater glory of God') As is evident from the theme of my blog, this phrase has long been close to my heart, and I (try to) live my life by it.

And so I was very interested in this prayer. In Confirmation class, we were taught the standard "formula" of a good prayer-- Glorify, Thank, and Supplicate. However, for someone like me who is easily distracted, more depth is required to keep my focus on the prayer, and long have I wished for something to help me go a little deeper.

This mediation provides just that, and I am thrilled. It takes you on a peaceful journey through your day, and focuses on giving everything over to God.

That said, I know that the ideal method of prayer varies from individual to individual, but I encourage any one who struggles with prayers that seem superficial to try this method. I am definitely looking in to Ignatian prayer further, and I will share any significant findings accordingly.

In retrospect...

God puts many things and people in our lives at specific times to help us handle certain issues at hand.

Today, God put something in my life just when I needed it, and strangely enough, it was yesterday's blog post.

I was upset about something, and I was (quite emotionally) questioning God about certain things that had happened, not understanding His will for me. I was very near the depths of self pity, when, in my (futile) attempt to distract myself, I opened my computer. My internet connection was nonexistent, so my attempts to Facebook the night away were thwarted. In frustration, I clicked on the tab where I had left my blog up. And there it hit me:

Give thanks to the Lord for all things.

Whoa. I mean, when I wrote that, I had little going on to complain about, and had contemplated the whole idea at length. It is a nice, neat idea, with convenient biblical references. But there I was in the throes of frustration, anger, and sadness; life was not at all what I hoped it would be... the exact moment that the test of giving thanks was most applicable.

My own words challenged me. Would I continue as I was, or would I step up and put in to practice something that is much easier blogged about then actually done?

As I thought about it, I realized that despite the crappiness of the situation, there was so much to thank God for. And as I sat there in prayer listing all the good that I saw in the situation, and thanking God for it, my perspective transformed. I no longer felt hopeless or desperate, but instead filled with JOY that the Lord is acting in my life, and that I have before me a wonderful opportunity to grow deeply in His love!

God also foreshadowed this test when I was journeying through the bible in Eucharistic Adoration today. One of the verses I wrote down was Psalm 26:2:

"Probe me, Yaweh, examine me, test my heart and my mind in the fire. For your faithful love is before my eyes, and I live my life by your truth."

I feel like I passed the test, and that I am beginning to truly live by God's truth. Thank God!

Here I am, Lord...

When things are going well, enjoy yourself, and when they are going badly, consider this: God has designed the one no less than the other so that we should take nothing for granted. Ecclesiastes 7:14

There are going to be bad times in life. Sometimes the bad seems to outnumber the good. But God has his hand in everything, and that means the bad things too. (Imagine that there was no bad in the world. How could you ever appreciate anything?) God challenges our faith when he puts difficult things in our lives. It is one thing to be right as rain with God when life is nothing but sunshine and rainbows, but another to continue to revel in God's glory when things get ugly and life isn't going how you had hoped.

But not only are we called to push through these rough times, we are called to find joy and thank God for the situations he's given us.

And for all things give thanks; this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.

ALL THINGS. This means you can't say, "Oh, thank you Jesus for the A on my exam!!" and then not acknowledge the bad, like, say, that accursed car wreck that totaled your car.

God gives us these situations because he knows we can deal with them, and he knows that we will grow from them. Give thanks to the Lord, for all things.

So thank you, God, for the mold on my ceiling, even though I have no idea yet what good will come of it. Thank you for challenging me by taking away my plans, and for the time alone that allows me to spend more time with you. Thank you for the things that you have set in motion in my life that I am still blind to. Thank you for always providing, even when I am ungrateful, and rage against the plans you have for me.

Here I am, Lord, to do Your will.

Fly little butterfly...

I knew an angel once. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. She had perhaps the most beautiful and loving soul of anybody I have ever known, or ever will know. Though I was young and my years with her were few, knowing her has forever shaped me into the person I am, and somehow, the person I am constantly growing in to.

The strength and grace that she maintained through her beautiful life have inspired me since I was a little girl bobbing awkwardly around the dance studio, and despite my absence from any studio for almost five months now, her memory continues to inspire me.

Her name was Terra Ann Johnsey [Rosborough] Caldwell. She was Mrs. Rosborough, she was Mrs. Johnsey, but to me, she was and is Ms. Ann, my ballet teacher.

She was strong, but she was so graceful. She taught me how to dance, but she also taught me how to love people unconditionally. She corrected my turn-out, but she also corrected my judgements of others. She developed me as a dancer, but she also developed me as a woman of God.

Her husband described her as having "infectious joy," and I don't know if he could have said it any better. No matter what hardship or difficult situation she was enduring, she came to class, taught, and had a smile on her face that brightened our moods. If we weren't feeling well, or were having a bad day, she would find some way to make it better, whether it was with one of her signature crushing hugs, or a piece of chocolate. Despite the seven years it has been since I saw her, I picture her bright smile as easily as ever.

Ms. Ann always encouraged us to make decisions based on our happiness. If something wasn't making us happy anymore, she encouraged us to stop doing it... even if it was dancing. She encouraged me to be my own person, and I do what I wanted, based on what was best for me.

And that is why, after 12 years, I was able to quit taking classes without feeling guilty. I knew that I wasn't happy, and I knew that she would have been the first in line to tell me that I needed to stop.

However, knowing her, and then losing her, has left me as one of her dancers forever. Without dance, I feel less connected to the world. I feel a little less in control. And, in what is one of the biggest ironies I know, a little less happy.

I've said it before, but I'll reiterate. Dance will always be a part of who I am. My heart will always yearn to be dancing, no matter what capacity I will be able to do so, because of the time I was blessed to have known her.

I saw God in this woman before I even knew to be looking for Him. She was amazing, and I want the whole world to know about her, so I start here by sharing this with you. Though I was young when we lost her, the pain of having lost her was no less, nor is the joy of having known her any diminished.

It is probably going to rain tomorrow, just like it has on October 23 for the past seven years. And I'll hold in my memory Ms. Ann, and sit for a while and enjoy some chocolate, and flutter my butterfly wings.

Hanging over my head...

I have always had a problem with consistency. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my attention span is short, but it is a struggle for me to have habits, much less good ones. In fact, the better it is for me, the harder it seems for me to habitualize it, be it exercise, eating well, or praying.

I don't like that. Actually, I can't stand it. My lack of consistency negatively affects so many things in my life-- my friendships, my schoolwork, this blog, my relationship with God (to name a few.)

This blog has been hanging over my head (along with the mold that is currently flourishing on my ceiling...). It taunts me. A reminder of (yet another) thing that I fell through on. I am sorry. Please do not take my inconsistency in posting to mean that I have not been seeing God. I have, and I do, in everything, every day.

I have been thinking about what the cause of my inconsistency is. I have come to the conclusion that it is because I do not know who I really am.

I always thought that was such a dumb thing to ask- "Who am I?" Um, hello, you're you, I'm me, what other answer are you looking for, can we move on, please?

Now, I consider- What makes me me? In searching for the answer, I find so many hollow, meaningless things. What I've realized is that I don't know who I am, because I don't know why I am.

Recently, somebody brought up that I am "different" from my sisters, in that I am singular from the other (more cohesive) three. When I was younger, I would have loved being told this. I was hell-bent on not being associated with them, because I was my own person, and too obviously amazing to be compared to anybody else. (Hah.)

But as my amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, successful sisters became more amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, and successful, I somewhere along the way decided that being like my sisters was something that I wanted. Yes, I'll take some of your sense of humor, your love for this musical instrument, your expression for this, your taste in music, and these bits and pieces of the way you look at the world.

And for the first time in years, I heard those words. "You are different from your sisters." I was taken aback. My first (shocked) thought was, "No, I'm not!" My world felt challenged. In recent years, I have built my life around being part of the set; one of four.

And then I thought about it.

I am different. I was different from the beginning, and I'm different now, because despite all the external changes I made to be more like my sisters, I remain me. And so much unhappiness (unknowingly) came from that. I was making decisions based on my sisters without any other justification (not saying this is their fault, certainly).

I think it's because I hate, and always have hated, being left out of things. Honestly, it is something that still gets me quickly upset over "nothing." When people are laughing, I have to know why. If I'm not let in on the joke, I am disappointed. But it has a deeper root. It brings back the feeling of my childhood, the feeling that I am living on the outside of a world.

I'll admit that sounds a little over-dramatic, but I am honestly telling you that in the deepest parts of my being, what I fear more that anything is being left alone, in an all-encompassing, terrifying, irreversible and uncontrollable sense of the word . I just wrote that now, without realizing it was true until the words were already there. But it's true. I will share with you a dream I've had since my childhood.

Now, realize something about me and dreams. I don't dream a lot, at least not ones that I can remember. And the ones that I do are often surreal, and totally weird. But there is one dream that stands out from all the rest, and it is the one dream that has recurred, at the very least, annually, for as long as I can remember.

The world- what's left of it- is dark. It is rocky and barren; a scene of desolation. I imagine it to be the end of the world. I am standing alone, in the bottom of a crater. And I'm calling. Not for my friends, not for my parents, but for my sisters. Calling for them, because they've left me behind somehow. My cries echo emptily in the still air.

.... oh, wonderful, this is going to make a great wedding toast when they all start getting married. Fits very neatly with the "I'm thankful you're moving out so I can have your room" story.

All joking aside, there is a tricky balance between being someone your sisters, and in the grander scheme the world as a whole, can stand, and being a person created of your own accord. I think it takes maturity to figure out, and is a scary time when you're at an age where approval is what your heart cries for more than anything else. (Gotta love those early teen years. Thank you Drake Middle School!)

And so I've realized I didn't know who I was because I hadn't accepted who I was. Without recognizing the me free from approval, influence, or regard from anyone else, I was literally blind to myself. I have to overcome that fear of being alone, and that irrational fear that if I am different, I will be left behind. (Because, ultimately (and as a bit of a tangent (wow, look at these triple parenthesis!)), when we love somebody, it is their differences from us that we are truly loving. The qualities we have in common with them we do not love because they have them, we love because we have them, and what we are loving is ourselves in them, as we all have that unfortunate tendency to love ourselves inordinately. Does that make sense?)

Now, every decision I make warrants a second look. Why I am doing this? Could it be that my failure to be consistent in something has to do with why I chose to do it in the first place?

Is my lack of consistency in this blog because I only chose to start it because it's what my sisters did? Do I really want to be doing this?

Honest answer- yes. But I need to take on reasons of my own. Because I want to share my love of God with other people. Because I want to ramble to the world, and pretend like the world is actually listening. Because it's what I do when it's 4:3o in the morning, and I can't sleep.

I see now that it's not what I do that's been bothering me, but rather, it's why I do it. And with acceptance of the fact, that yes, why thank you, I am different, I can rest easily. Though I am of a set of four, I am unique, and still have so much growing ahead of me.

Now don't be hasty, Master Meriadoc...

I am the most impatient person I know. I'm not talking simply of getting from one place to another quickly, or being frustrated about how long my mother takes when she runs in to the store to get a "few" things. I'm talking about all aspects of life. I hate waiting and transition. I want there to be an immediate resolution to every problem. I demand, again and again to God: Now! Now! Now! The value of gradual progression and growth has always been hard for me to accept.

But I am coming to realize the beauty and peace that lies in patience. The "waiting" times, when we are unsure, I think, are the opportunities that God offers us to really get to know him. Instead of constantly pressing forward on our life journey, to instead stop, and take a rest with God. He wants those moments of quiet contemplation when it's just you and Him. There is no reason to constantly jump from one person, place, or thing to the next. There is beauty in stillness.

In a world that is so economical, that is easily forgotten. It's widely thought that if you are being still, then you are not being productive. But those moments of stillness and quiet do so much to rejuvenate the soul, and prepare it for its next great release of energy.

God wants to make great things happen in our lives. But they take time. This beautiful song by Ed Cash illustrates that so well:

The old man saw the fallen tree As far more than just dead wood For love, time and his old sharp knife Could change that tree to something good So each piece of bark he stripped away Using only his weathered hands To find the scent of sweet sticky pine Just the wood for this master's plan Soon free from bark this naked tree Cried out for new design But the patience of the old man Reminded him that great things take time So he had a vision in his mind Of what he wanted that tree to be And he saw that tree as perfect and good Before he touched a single piece So he took the tree back to his home And he set it on his working stone And he began to chip away, chip away And soon he did not feel so all alone The tree began to take shape Oh, his heart began to smile But he knew he still had work to do Because he remembered that great things take time Some pieces of the wood were stubborn And some just cut as easy as the air But he didn't care how long it took to make each part complete Yeah the time he took just showed how much he cared How much he cared Now perhaps in your fearful forest You've found that you have fallen down Don't be sad, don't be scared, no do not be afraid Because there is one who can pick you up off the ground You see if your destiny is to be carved into a perfect thing Then life does not begin until you die to the way you're living.

Our entire lives are one big masterpiece, and time should be taken for every bit of them. If it's worth the time, then it's worth the effort, and the outcome is something beautiful and lasting.

So, as the Ents love to say, don't be hasty. Have peace. Pray. God is there, waiting for you to sit with Him. Every decision in life is important, and God wants to be involved in each one. Allow Him to be. He is (to use a metaphor I favored in my younger days) the great Solvent. Nothing is insoluble to Him. There is no place He doesn't belong, and no thing that He does not have a connection to.

Life does not begin until you die to the way you're living.

So take the time. You will see great things take shape, and your heart will indeed smile.

Dancing through life..

I'm going to take a break from my format of the past four posts, and speak (rather less eloquently, and much more frankly) about my life. These past few days have been crazy. I've moved out of my house, and I'm living in a dorm. I can come and go as I please, and can be out as late as I want. My friends who are seniors this year have been tucked away at their respective high schools for seven hours these past few days, and another friend is about to move far too many hours away.

Needless to say, it's a time of transition. And it's scary. God is really all that isn't unstable in my life right now.

I can't believe I'm starting college. I have no idea what to expect. I guess it's one of those things that you can't possibly know what it's like unless you're actually experiencing it. I've had tons of advice, but I don't think all the advice in the world is going to make this unknown any more known to me until Monday morning at 9 AM.

But, I think one thing that makes life so much better is dance. The other day, I was babysitting, and we danced like crazy people to classical music.

It was awesome.

Dance really is a part of who I am. I received twelve years of classical ballet training, and only recently have I quit. I love ballet, and miss it, but I know in my heart it's not where I'm called to be right now.

But in the meantime, I'll keep dancing. I'll dance with two small children in the middle of a hallway, I'll dance in my dorm room and forget to make sure my blinds are closed so nobody can see the ridiculous flailing. It just makes me happy to move my body, to glorify God.

In this book my mom gave me for my final dance recital, Dance While You Can, it says

I will celebrate the sheer joy of being alive... the joy of being created in the image of God.

It is so easy not to do that and to be bogged down by everything in life. It's hard. Life is hard. Who said it wouldn't be? Sometimes it can go relatively well, and other times, it can suck. But, life's what you make it. I wrote that on my little sister's mirror today when I went home, and I meant it.

You have to make the choice to see the joy and beauty in and of your own existence. I don't think it really comes naturally to anybody. It is hard, may take a while, but is ultimately so worth it.

Celebrate your creation in God's image. I think that fact goes beyond any level of understanding that we possess. And realize that even if you cannot understand, it is not any less true.

World Wide Worship...

The internet often gets a pretty bad rap. And for some good reasons, too. Its expanse and easy anonymity seem to be a breeding ground for all manner of uncouth things-- pornography, pedophilia, bullying... and the list never seems to end for ways to fall in to sin whilst surfing its innumerable pages.

Of course, there are many beneficial uses of the internet (like this very blog, if you can excuse my blatant and unrestrained arrogance) such as social networking and the like, but I've recently been reminded of the wonderful opportunities for spiritual enrichment that can be found on the World Wide Web. As such, I've seen God in the internet. (Or, should I say, ON the internet?)

A few days ago, I was overwhelmed with the urge to pray a novena. I've never done so before on my own, and I was at a total loss. As is my first reaction to anything I don't know, I go straight to Google! I type, "Novenas." First hit is EWTN's site with a catalogue of at least fifty different novenas. Beyond all doubt, that is an amazing resource. With one click, I could see who the novena was to, some history about its origins or common circumstances under which it is prayed, and then the text of the prayer itself.

That minute detail (hah!) about the Catholic Church being universal is exceedingly plain here. When I think of all the people who have viewed these same pages as me, I almost feel that my prayers are strengthened by theirs. I'm sure they are, actually. The Community of Faith is so vast, and so powerful. It is humbling to realize that I am such a small part of something so great-- the Body of Christ.

I recall another instance in which I experienced community with other believers on the internet. I was in the eighth grade, and Pope John Paul II's health had taken a turn for the worst. I remember being exceedingly distraught, and spending a great deal of time talking with a close friend (she is Muslim, actually) about what an amazing and Holy man he was. My memory works in strange ways (I am embarrassingly forgetful) but I'll never forget her talking about how much her mother respected him for being the first Pope to enter a mosque.

So, in my pronounced interest, I somehow found my way to Catholic message boards (at three in the morning, no less) where there were ongoing online Rosaries for the Pope's sake. It was unreal. Hail Mary's were popping up from different people so quickly that you had to type fast to make it before it was time for the next decade. It was intense, and I felt alive. I didn't know any of these people, and I didn't have to. We were praying for the same thing, together, though they were many thousands of miles away from me. Beautiful, I think.

Thinking back to pre-Gutenberg times, people depended solely on the Religious to provide them with prayers and scripture. How lucky we are that we literally have all that at our fingertips at any given time. There is no end to the resources. I think it a shame that they are not utilized anywhere near as much as they should be. I suppose it can be a hard determination to make: "Hmm, Facebook, or looking up prayers?" I think we all know the former is the more common choice.

So, I guess I'll challenge you. I think it is safe to say that if you are reading this, you are probably a common internet user. Today, use it to deepen your faith-- look up a prayer, learn more about a saint, discuss Church doctrine, order religious books, -- anything, really to strengthen your faith, or if you don't have faith, then to learn about it. If you want, you can join me in my novena. (It's to Our Lady of Lourdes, by the by.) What ever you do, find some way to spend some time with God on the internet.

P.S. As a humorous addendum, when I first typed the title of this post, it was titled, "World Wild Worship." I didn't notice until I was about to publish the post. I suppose that in my weariness, the slightly homophonic nature of the two words threw me off. But hey, a little wild worship never hurt anyone, right?

Hold the Light...

I suppose I should be blunt to begin with and state that I've set an unhealthy precedent for myself with my first two posts. Needless to say, this (in all likelihood) will not quite match their near-monumental lengths. I feel I should also warn that my wit may not be up to par today, so I ask your forgiveness.

I've always felt that my taste in music was pretty unique. I'm one of those people who isn't really into mainstream music. My all time music-love is Caedmon's Call. I suppose they could be described as an indie Christian group. I consistently relate and draw inspiration from their music, and there is very rarely a situation or stage of my life for which there is not a song that is astonishingly relevant. So, again to my obligatory statement: I've seen God in Caedmon's Call.

So, I thought I'd talk about a couple of songs that are particularly close to my heart.

I suppose I may as well begin with the most apropos (to undeniably borrow a word from a dear friend) song for me at the current moment, and the song that is the title holder for this particular post. "Hold the Light" is part of Caedmons's most recent album (Overdressed). On the large scale, I always felt like it related to the relationship between all those who met for Prayer and Share because it tells the story of a group who met weekly and shared the doubts and trials they faced in light of living a Christian life, and the support they drew from the group. But it is also much more personal than that.

In one stanza, they sing:

"And I stay up late/because I cannot sleep./ I don't want to face the quiet/where it's just God and me./ I'm waiting for the gavel/ handing me the sentence down,/ because I don't believe forgiveness/ or even repentance now."

I think that most people have experienced this at some point or another, when life has become too much, and it feels as if you are beyond all God's love and compassion. It feels unbearable to face God from the shame at "failing" to believe as you know you should. The song then continues:

"There was no judgement in your eyes/ just the silent peace of God,/ that felt so real in you./ Will you hold the light for me?"

There are times in life when beliefs are so challenged or so weak, or you feel so lost and far away from God, that it doesn't seem possible to have faith on one's own. But with the right person (or people), I think it is possible to entrust your faith to somebody else. You simply have to have faith in your friend's faith. I don't think that God minds this, and I don't think this makes you weak. He wants us to be a community of believers, and sometimes that means depending more on others than perhaps your pride would like. But it's necessary. The truth is that there are those who won't judge, and, as the song so beautifully puts it, offers the very real "silent peace of God."

I think, at different points, we are meant to ask others to hold the "light" for us, and conversely, to be holders of the "light." It is give and take, and the duration of either is completely dependent on the individual situation. All it takes, I think, is to ask, and to be asked. For, "Better two than one alone, for thus their work is truly rewarding. If one should fall, the other helps him up" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We are, beyond all doubt, called to "Carry each other's burdens; that is how to keep the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).

It may be hard to confide something you consider to be such a "shortcoming" to another, but I think it makes you all the stronger. Even when you don't feel it, depending on somebody else's belief is good enough, because, after all, what are feelings? In bad times, faith goes beyond feeling, and it becomes believing despite all feeling. Share your faith, and if need be, allow the faith of another to be enough if you can't do it on your own. There isn't anything wrong with that. Allow yourself to be helped up, and maybe even be carried for a while. I know that I certainly have.

To be quite honest, I feel like this song alone should be enough to convince you of their greatness, and I've also written much more than I intended to. So, convinced or not, listen to them, and I'll leave you here. Perhaps I will elaborate on another song at a later date, but something tells me that this is enough for now.

Take the message of this song to heart, because I don't think you'll go wrong. Trust me.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Underpants...

I happen to be greatly blessed by God in terms of sisters. Brothers-- nah, God didn't seem to think I'd need any of those. It seems my father shares a certain, shall we say, foible with Henry VIII. Luckily, Dad knew to give up on having sons, effectively truncating any talk of beheadings. (Though, not having to continue a dynasty may have had something to do with that...) Well, we did have to get a male dog to placate him, but that's besides the point.

Now, sisters, those, I have. Of course, I've got my three biological sisters (yes, all the same father, as my sister replied to her inquisitive doctor in south carolina), but I've also been blessed with an incredible amount of (surprisingly anti-effeminate) females who I am rather close with. Thus, as I will obligatorily state, I see God in sisterhood.

As a female, I feel that part of the package is to be slightly genetically programed to tend towards falsity and jealousy towards other women. But, miraculously, that can be overcome with a little bit of grace. (Not that the claws don't fly at times, but hey, we can blame that on something else, right?!)

First, I'll talk about the sisters who originate from the same womb as I did. (Hey, gross! I come from a third-hand womb!) They are invaluable. We've said some horrible things to each other over the years, but we are without a doubt, always there. Besides, fights with them are always the most memorable. Like the time I threw a box at my older sister. Or the time I repeatedly slammed a door against the wall... with my little sister behind it. Or the time my thanksgiving blessing that I shared with the dinner table was that my sister was moving out so I could get her room. You may think that's way off topic, but when it comes down to it, anything we've said, anything we've done... we've forgiven. And that's just beautiful. Not that I go out looking for excuses to offend them (most of the time, that is), but it is nice to know that those ingenues are in it for life, my compatriots through to the epilogue.

And for the record, as far as my sisters are concerned, no such sisterhood as the 'traveling underpants' actually exists. But, I must say, if we were ever to instate such a tradition, that would be our best bet in terms of garments. And to exacerbate, it would most likely be the sisterhood of the traveling granny panties.

And then there are my other friends who are simply too dear to me to call anything but sisters. The sisterhood we share is special. It's voluntary. That's quite shocking at times, that somebody who isn't related is actually willing to hang around. For the most part, they're the ones that I laugh with (see yesterday's post) and they are also the ones that I cry with.

We have great quantities of fun together, and the best part is that while they do not share my blood, the majority are in Communion with me in Christ's blood. And I mean that quite literally. And they are the ones that hold me accountable. They're the ones who have the job of telling me when I'm being obnoxious. They're the ones who try to protect me. They make up for my shortcomings, and share in my tears, my embarrassments, my snorts, my food, and my bed.

They put up with it all-- my shrieks of obsessive-compulsive horror, "Get your shoes off my bed!!" or "Don't stand on my rug, you're wrinkling it!". They've put up with my sending them crashing down into bathtubs with shower curtain and rod soon to follow. (I really can't tell you how much I wish none of those were true.)

So, while I certainly won't being joining any sororities any time soon, I can rest assured that at least one of my sisters will always have my back. She may have to pull her claws out of me first (joke!) but she'll always be on my side.

So, thank you, God, for the beautiful women in my life. If I were a man, I would be remarkably lucky.

[On a (relatively) unrelated note: I have a follower! This is great! I feel like Lord Voldemort! "Yay, I've gained a follower! She will be a most faithful buck wheater!" Now, I'll give her a beautiful tattoo of poop with a duck flying out of it on her arm so I can call her to me whenever I please, and after that, I will give her the privilege to lick my shoes whenever she so desires..." As an extra bit of trivia, (or just so you don't think I am crazy) I just referenced two childhood traumas that my sister put me through.]

I love to laugh...

... long, and loud, and clear!

Well, here I am, re-entering the blogging world. I had a previous middle school foray over at the other blog site, but I find this site to better cater to my now, shall we say, more refined tastes. Er, right. I figure now is as good a time as any to begin; with starting college this fall, I may not have any other outlet to release my excessive thoughts and emotions, so this offers insurance that I do not, heaven forbid, take up my younger sister's habit of broadcasting every minute occurrence via near-instantaneous facebook status updates.

I will try not to bore you with rote recitation of my daily goings-on, but rather, offer a hopefully insightful (at the very least, thoughtful) view of the world. Or at least, what little of it I am part of. Of course, I can make no promises against the occasional frustrated rant at the various unfairnesses of life, but I'll do my best to keep such instances to a minimum. My main hope for this blog is to regularly post about the good, the beautiful, the weirdly beautiful, and the beautifully weird things in life, that are so often overlooked.

Let me elaborate. I am about to leave my wonderful high-school youth group. Essentially every Wednesday for the past four years, I've gone to "prayer and share", where we've related where we've seen God's presence in our lives. I find this to be a wonderful mindset to live with, and I don't care what your religion, or even if you don't believe in religion, seeing good in the world is always a better way to live.

So, In the hopes that I won't lose this mindset, and perhaps even to encourage its growth, the majority of my posts will follow the simple template of "I've seen God in..." followed by my tangent-ization and expansion of the subject. As for posts that don't, well, we'll see.

So, that brings me to my first "sighting," as I'll call it. I've seen God in laughter.

Many of my friends happen to possess rather unique laughs, which, truth be told, are often ridiculous enough to induce laughter on their own. Actually, I can't deny that I also possess such a laugh, or so I've been told. This lends itself to a rather large amount of awkward situations which generally involve a table of people practically peeing themselves laughing-- over absolutely nothing. It can happen quite easily. I think everybody has chuckled to themselves over some privately amusing thought that flashes through the mind. Imagine, then, that you happen to let out the merest expression of mirth, and that alone manages to set all people in the vicinity off-- even the ones you don't know. It's quite a powerful and unifying thing, actually.

I'm not really sure there's any better way to make a bad day... well, better than by laughter. Even if it means you have to laugh at whatever outrageous or infuriating situation you find yourself in. I won't get into the scientific studies, and postulations, and conjectures and theories, etc., about the stimulation of the release of endorphins when laughing, but I can tell you, the more I laugh, the better I feel.

Sometimes, though, I have to wonder about about our sixth sense. I am not, of course, speaking about the sense that allows us to communicate with the dead, but rather, the all important sense of humor. What makes things funny? I could laugh all day at something that some may not find hilarious at all, and sometimes I find myself looking around at people as they laugh at, what was to me, a poor joke. "Yes, I got the joke, I just think it was stupid. Can we move on please?"

My sense of humor has always been a rather strange one. Case in point: I was in first or second grade, and I had a friend over, and we were playing Cooties. Not the whole "circle, circle, dot, dot" thing, but that game where you had to roll the dice to get legs and eyeballs and such for a little bug. Well, quite bored of the standard game play, my friend and I decided to have a cootie wedding. To this day I have no forgotten the antics that had us in uncontrollable giggles. The phrase "wafflely wedded wife" is key here. We though that was the funniest thing we'd ever heard. We laughed for hours. We're still laughing. I don't know why. It's random, it's weird, but to me, it's hilarity at its best.

So, laugh today. If I were witty enough, this is where I'd leave you with a joke to assist you in this endeavor, but as it is, I think it's best if I just let you find amusement within the confines of your own mind. I know I will.